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The Arctic Architects 



A Farce in Two Acts 



BY 



EDWIN BATEMAN MORRIS 

Author of "MILLIONS IN IT." "THE FRESHMAN," etc. 




PHILADELPHIA 
THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1910 




35Z5 



Copyright 1910 by The Penn Publishing Company 



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(g,CI.O 2.I03G 



The Arctic Architects 



The Arctic Architects 



CHARACTERS 



,,;. I architects. 

Weissenpimpfle 3 

Buster Warren, Star Reporter of Neiv York " Vacuum.^* 

Commander Query, an obscure explorer. 

Doormat Hencoop, his shadow. 

Captain Heave, Skipper of the ^^ Abraham 11.^* 

Olsen Gibson,* tnate of the same. 

Sailor, with comic opera habits. 

Mrs. Spanker, a suffragette leader. 

Eugenie, Mrs. Weissenpimpfle' s maid. 

Mrs. Weissenpimpfle, formerly Helen Augusta Wind, 

millionairess. 

Time. — August. 

Place. — First Act, New York Harbor. 

Second Act, North Pole. 
Time in Representation : — One hour and a half. 



* Gibson may easily be omitted, if desired. 



COSTUMES 

Olmstein. He should be tall. In Act I he wears 
frock coat and light trousers, tight and short. High hat. 
Gloves of some pronounced color. Bright red necktie and 
large pin. Jewish or German make-up In Act II same 
costume, but with fur (may be cotton) around edges of coat, 
cuffs, bottom of trousers, hat, etc., and wears large fur gloves. 

Weissenpimpfle. He should be shorter than Olmstein, 
and very stout. Act I. Loud clothes of exaggerated fashion- 
able cut. Derby hat. Act II. Clothes trimmed with fur, 
like Olmstein' s, and wears fur gloves and automobile 
goggles. 

Buster. Act I. Summer suit and straw hat, and carries 
cane and note-book. Act II. White duck or white flannel 
suit, white shoes, fur cap, fur gloves, and may wear fur 
overcoat at entrance. 

Query. Dressed in heavy overcoat (fur if possible) in 
both acts, with fur cap and gloves. 

Hencoop. Act I. Wears small college cap and sweater 
and very large gloves. Dark trousers. Very large rubber 
shoes. Act 11. Close-fitting suit covered all over with 
white cotton. Large gloves. 

Captain Heave. Act I. Blue uniform and cap with 
gold braid. Act II. The same, with fur cap (or cotton 
around cap worn in Act I) and fur (or very large) gloves. 
Muffler around neck. 

Gibson. Same as Captain, but no gold on uniform. 

Sailor. Sailor suit, trimmed with fur (cotton) in Act II. 

Mrs. Spanker. Act I. Large hat, dark glasses, dark 
dress, with words "Votes for Women " sewed in white tape 
on the back so as to be easily read when she turns her back 
to the audience. Carries old umbrella with same words 
painted on it in large letters, to be read as she raises it and 
turns it slowly. Act II. Hat tied on with automobile veil, 
wears automobile goggles. Light dress, covered with light 
automobile duster, trimmed with fur (cotton) around bottom 
of skirt. 

Eugenie. Act I. Maid's costume of black, with wide 
white collar, ruffled apron, and little bonnet. Act II. 
Light dress, but wears furs. Carries muff, and a parasol. 

Mrs. Weissenpimpfle. Act I. Handsome outdoor 
dress, and carries parasol. Act II. Low-necked light dress 
and light evening hat, but carries muff, and wears furs 
around shoulders. 



PROPERTIES 

ACT I 

Whistles and glass crash behind scenes. Cigarette, note- 
book, pencil, four newspapers for Buster. Five band- 
boxes, rain-coat, umbrella, parasol for Eugenie. Three 
suit-cases, two hand-satchels, fur coat for Gibson. Small 
trunk and large box for Sailor. Lorgnette for Mrs. 
Weissenpimpfle. Old umbrella, painted with words 
"Votes for Women " (see under costumes), placards, and 
badges, bearing same words, for Mrs. Spanker. Flag 
with three balls painted on it for Captain. Rope for 
Weissenpimpfle. Valise, containing large book and three 
toy dogs, on wheels, for Hencoop. 

ACT II 

North Pole, a column or pyramid of graceful shape, 
painted white and standing on (but not fastened to) a 
pedestal large enough to conceal a man. Pedestal may be 
a box, or a framework covered with cloth or paper. A hole 
about six or eight inches wide in top of pedestal is covered 
by the Pole. On front of pedestal is sign ** Marked down. 
Now $1.98." Platform a few inches high and about two 
feet by one foot on ground in front of pedestal. Rocks and 
ice, real or imitation, surround pedestal and platform. 
American flag covers Pole, until raised by string, according 
to stage directions. A white board one foot wide and five 
feet high is roughly marked off like a thermometer. A strip 
of black cloth or paper two inches wide represents the 
"mercury," and moves up and down (pulled by strings), 
according to stage directions. The mercury should always 
go up with a squeak or whistle, and down with a loud noise. 
A toy dog on wheels is set in entrance r. i, with string lead- 
ing to Pole. When string is pulled dog moves on to stage, 
stops, and then goes on to Pole, according to directions. 

About two dozen small pasteboard boxes (half-pound 
candy boxes will serve), gilded outside all over, should be 
inside of pedestal, ready to be thrown out through hole in 
top by man concealed there, or behind drop. 

Horns, whistles, and bells, to be heard off. Palm-leaf 
fan for Olmstein. Penny, opera-glass, and draftsman's 
wooden triangle. Salvation Army cap for Query. Toy 
dog for Hencoop. Camera, sheets of paper, pencil for 
Buster. Large bottle, Salvation Army bonnet, tambourine 
for Mrs Spanker. Bass drum and Salvation Army cap 
for Captain Heave. 



SCENE PLOTS 



'LOCKER 



LOCKE 




STEPS 



TABLE 




Act I. — Cabin of Weissenpimpfle's yacht. Up C, wide 
entrance, or " companionway " ; two steps to landing and 
steps from landing r. and l. Lockers (long seats) against back 
R. and L. of centre entrance. Door (to stateroom l. 2). 
Entrances r. i and l. i. Table c, with hanging lamp over 
it if possible. 



O 



® 



O 



r^ \PLArFORM\ r\ 
^000 



THERr V . 




Act II. — North Pole. Almost any simple landscape drop 
will serve. One with ice, rocks, etc., will be most effective. 
Wings show rocks and ice also. Pole, up c, a column on a 
square base or pedestal. A small platform in front of 
pedestal. Platform and pedestal surrounded by rocks (real 
or set), which are partly covered with snow (cotton), etc. 
Snow on pole and pedestal, wings, etc. Flag covers pole at 
rise. Thermometer down h, 

6 



The Arctic Architects 



ACT I 

SCENE. — Cabin ^ Weissenpimpfle's steam yachtj *^ Abra- 
ham II.'* Yacht whistle blows three times before curtain 
goes up. As curtain rises boatswain' s whistle heard 
off. Captain Heave heard off. 

Captain. Hi, there! Easy with those jars of milk. 
There you go ! {Sound of breaking glass behind scene. ^ 
Well, what do you think this is? Think you're Anna Held, 
and have to take a bath in it? Hi, there, Mr. Gibson, put 
that man to loading sweet potatoes or something else that 
doesn't splash when it breaks. 

(^Enter Captain, r. i. Enter Buster Warren, c.) 

Buster {lighting a cigarette'). Hello, Captain, you seem 
to be peeved. 

Captain. Humph ! Who are you ? If you want a job 
as stevedore, go see Mr. Gibson. 

Buster. Oh, don't worry about entertaining me. I'm 
a newspaper reporter. 

Captain (calling off). Say, Mr. Gibson, send somebody 
back there to lock up the spoons. 

Buster. Never mind about that; I'll leave them to 
you. 

Captain. This ain't no excursion steamer; it's a private 
yacht. 

Buster. Mr. Weissenpimpfle's? 

Captain. He doesn't allow strangers aboard. 

Buster. Where did you say he was cruising to? 

Captain. He is going out Fifth Avenue as far as the 
Metropolitan Museum. 

Buster. You don't tell me ! Oh, are they going to ex- 
hibit you up there, Old Salt? 

Captain. No, they are not. {Commotion off stage, 

7 



8 THE ARCTIC ARCHITECTS 

shouts y boatswain' s whistle.') Tliere comes Mrs. Weissen- 
pimpfle. You'd better beat it while the wind's with you. 

Buster. Oh, no. I used to know her when she was in 
the pony ballet at Hammerstein's. Ah there, peaches. 

(^Enter Eugenie, c, with five bandboxes, rain-coat, um- 
brella and parasol, followed by Olsen Gibson with three 
suit-cases, two hand-satchels and fur coat, followed by 
Sailor with small stea?ner trufik.) 

Captain. Say, there, you lump of scrambled egg-plant, 
how many more of them trunks is there? 

Sailor (touching hat). Only seventeen, sir. 

Captain. Well, you take that back and put it all for- 
ward with the freight. This cabin is no storeroom. 

(^Exit Sailor, r. i, zuith trunk, and Gibson, r. i.) 

(^Enter Mrs. Weissenpimpfle, c.) 

Mrs. W. I wonder what detains him. {Looks off r. i. 
Meantime Eugenie has put down her various bundles, and 
seated herself on the dress-suit cases. Buster produces a 
fan from his pocket, and sitting alongside, begins to fan 
her. Mrs. VV., do7V7i r.) Captain, I am thinking of in- 
troducing some improvements on the yacht. We're going 
to have a marble tile floor on the deck, a silver hand-rail, 
mahogany masts, a solid gold wainscot in the dining-room, 
and all the crew in silk hats and plush trousers. Why, 
Mrs. Wonderbilt spent three millions on her yacht, and we 
have only spent one. (^Sees Buster and Eugenie. Eu- 
genie jumps to her feet.) Eugenie, take those five hat 
boxes, and three suit-cases, to my stateroom at once. (^Exit 
Eugenie, l. 2, taking as tnany hat boxes, etc., as possible, 
dropping them, and falling over them at intervals. Mrs. 
W. puts up lorgnette.) Who is this person? Some low- 
brow individual, no doubt. 

Captain. Yes, madam. He's a newspaper man. 

(^^// Captain, l. i.) 

Mrs. W. Oh, indeed! {To Buster.) No, I have 
nothing to say. I have not made any social plans. We are 
going to Narragansett for a month or so, where our friends 
the Wonderbilts and Gilds are. 

Buster. 1 wanted to speak to Mr. Weissenpimpfle, 



THE ARCTIC ARCHITECTS 9 

Mrs. W. There is no use waiting, then. Mr. Weissen- 
pimpfle does not speak for publication. 1 never allow him 
to have his name in the paper. 

Buster. You don't seem to realize that he is a famous 
architect. 

Mrs. W. My dear young man, only a successful archi- 
tect. He married a rich woman. That is the principle of 
success in his profession. 

Buster. Was he poor before he married you ? 

Mrs. VV. The day before he married me he paid fif- 
teen cents for his lunch. Now I could let him pay fifteen 
dollars, but I don't. (^E titer Sailor, r. i, with dance step.') 
Why do you dance that way ? 

Sailor (touching hat). I'm a comic opera sailor, madam. 
I get two dollars more a week for dancing. 

Mrs. W. I will give you two dollars to stop it. 

Sailor (touching hat). Thank you, miss. Mrs. Spanker 
has come aboard. 

Mrs. W. Bring her right down to my cabin. (Sailor 
touches hat a?id exits c.) Mr. Reporter, say that Mrs. 
Weissenpimpfle when interviewed had on a black satin 
de sole gown, trimmed with organdie blue old lace, and 
wore diamond earrings with shoes and stockings to match. 

{Exit Mrs. W., l. 2.) 

Enter Sailor with Mrs. Spanker, c.) 

Sailor. This way, madam. (^Motions toward l. 2.) 

{Exit Sailor, c.) 

Buster. Pardon me, I am J. J. Warren, official repre- 
sentative of the New York "Vacuum." Are you not the 
famous Mrs. Spanker of England, the world -renowned ex- 
ponent of Woman's Suff'rage? 

Mrs. S. I have the pleasure. 

{She raises her umbrella, turns it slowly, and then furls it ; 
it bears '^ Votes for Women " painted in large letters.) 

Buster. Will you grant me a few words? What do 
you think of America ? 

Mrs. S. I think the American women have more brains 
and judgment than any other women in the world. 



to THE ARCTIC ARCHITECTS 

(IVa/ks up c, showing her back, which has " Votes for 

Women ^^ on it.) 

Buster {writing in a book). Then you don't expect the 
suffragette movement to amount to much in this country ? 

Mrs. S. {coming down). I'm going to make it amount 
to something. I'm a smasher, I am. I've been in jail time 
and time again. 

{Pins a large *' Votes for Women " placard on wall.) 

Buster. Don't mention it, madam. So have I. 
Mrs. S. I have fought with the police. 

{Pins large badge on Buster.) 

Buster. I know. And don't you feel like a fool the 
next morning waking up in a cell in your dress suit ? 

Mrs. S. But I've advanced the cause. I fear nothing, 
because I'm always a lady. When I throw bricks at the 
police, I am never afraid, for my natural refinement sweeps 
everything before it. Are you taking this down ? 

Buster. Yes. 

Mrs. S. When I go into a public place and screech to 
be heard, it is my beautiful manners that make the multi- 
tude stand spellbound before my eloquence. I could stran- 
gle a Prime Minister and never lose my self-repose for an 
instant. {Gestures violently toward Buster.) 

Buster {nervously). Thank you. I — I'm quite sure 
of it. 

( Whistle blows, great commotion off stage, shouting, etc.) 

{Enter Captain and Sailor, Cf.) 

Captain {going to locker and taking out flag, with three 
balls on it). Run up the owner's flag ! 

{Hands flag to Sailor.) 

Sailor. Yi, yi, sir. 

{Takes flag and exits c, with quick dance step.) 

Buster. What's all this commotion ? 
Captain. Mr. Weissenpimpfle and Mr. Olmstein are 
coming aboard, 



THE ARCTIC ARCHITECTS II 

Mrs. S. They must not see me. 
(^Exit, L. 2.) 

Buster {standing at entrance z.y and looking 7if). Great 
Scott ! What are they doing with that derrick up there ? 

Captain. Oh, just bringing Mr. Weissenpimpfle aboard. 
He's a big man ! 

{Shouting heard off ; blowing boatswain^ s whistle.) 

Voice {off). All right below there ? 
Captain. Lower away ! 

( Whistle heard off. Weissenpimpfle appears c. , lowered 
by rope which is fastened around him. Olmstein also 
appears c.f walking. As soon as ^ms.^s feet touch the 
ground he is drawn up again, wildly gesticulating and 
kicking."^) 

Weis. Hey, what do you think I am ? An organ-grinder- 
monkey — is it ? 

{He is let down again.) 

Olm. Here, Weissen. Let me unharness you. 

{Takes off rope, which is pulled up.) 

Captain {calling off). All right. 
I 

{Exit I.. I, Captain d!«^ Buster.) 

Weis. {pulling down waistcoat and straightening cloth- 
ing generally. He puffs and pants, but smiles cheerfully.) 
Say, Olmy, ain't that a great scheme, that elevator? It 
makes me feel like a steerageable baloon already ! 

{Takes several dance steps.) 

Olm. Take it easy, Weissen, take it easy. You ain't so 
thin as you was once. 

Weis. Never mind your business about it, Olmy. I 
would rather be nice and stout and comfortable already, 

* If it is inconvenient to lower Weissenpimpfle, he may come down 
stairs from L., and enter c. door with rope around him, Olmstein com- 
ing at same time down stairs, r., and enter c. Weissenpimpfle may 
be pulled back by rope, then reenter, 



12 THE ARCTIC ARCHITECTS 

than wear it one of them twenty-story frock coats and a 
skyscraper high hat. My gracious, Olmstein, since you 
begin to get rich you look like a floorwalker. 

Olm. Veil, thank goodness, I can wear it what I please. 
I didn't marry any rich lady, to be ordered around like you 
are. Why, if Mrs. Weissenpimpfle saw you 

Weis. Shh ! (^Catches Olm.'s arm, atid looks around 
fearfully.') Shh ! Olmy. She might hear you. Say, 
Olmy, you recollection those philopena what we et to see 
who gets the lady ? 

Olm. Yes. I lost, and you took the lady and sixty per 
cent, of the gate receipts. 

Weis. That's right. And you got it forty per cent. 
You got the most, Olmy. You got more as me. 

Olm. Why, no. How is that ? 

Weis. You didn't have to take the lady. Oh, well ! 
Ah ! {They both sigh, very loud and long.') Olmy, I'm 
goin' into society. 

Olm. Oh, pinch yourself, Weissen. Listen to the alarm 
clock. Wake up ! 

Weis. It's right. Now, Mrs. Weissen, she says to me 
one night, she says, '' Hector " 

Olm. Hector? Oh, excuse me — Hector! 

Weis. Veil, vat you laughing at ? She says Isadora 
ain't a swell name no more, so she calls me ''Hector." 
We're goin' to spell our last name different, too. 

Olm. What you goin' to call it ? 

Weis. Veil, Mrs. Weissenpimpfle likes the W all right, 
but she don't like the rest of the name. Maybe we keep 
the W and get somethings nice and tony to go mit it. Well, 
Mrs. Weissenpimpfle, she says to me, ''Hector, we got to 
break through the crust." That means we got to slip in 
mit the smooth ones. 

Olm. Vat ! You break into society ? 

Weis. Sure ! Me and Mrs. Weissenpimpfle goes up in 
an oitermobile already, and I meet Percy Belmont, and sells 
him some stock, ain't it, for our new Self-laying Brick? 
That's the only pleasures I got out of it. 

Olm. Why don't you sell it some other people? 

Weis. My wife says that ain't the way to society, and 
she flagged it. Ohnstein, I got to make some moneys. I 
got to be independent of this woman. 

Olm. How can you do it ? 



THE ARCTIC ARCHITECTS 1 3 

Weis. I dunno. 

(^Enter Sailor, dancings with box, c.) 

Olm. What is that ? 

Weis. That is a quarter of a ton of candy I bought for 
Mrs. Weissenpimpfle, already. 

(j^jc// Sailor, c. Commotion off stage.') 

{Enter Commander Query and Doormat Hencoop, r. i. 
Hencoop carries valise. Query rushes excitedly to centre 
of stage.) 

Query. I want to see Mr. Ohnstein and Mr. Weissen- 
pimpfle. 

Olm. Veil, here we are. There ain't no charge. Look 
us over. 

Query. I know all about you, both of you. You can't 
fool me. 

Olm. Sure you do. I'm the head-liner in Who's Jews 
in America. 

Weis. And I'm the originator of the President Taft 
physique. 

Query. Gentlemen, I am Mr. Query, of the navy. 

Weis. Yes, I have heard of the navy. 

Query. I discovered the North Pole. 

Olm. Never heard of you. But it has been discovered 
so often already it's hard to remember the names of the 
writers who did it. A feller named Hook seemed to be 
the most important. 

Query. Hook, Hook ! That little outing-flannel four 
flusher? Why, I could grow pineapples at the place he 
calls the North Pole. He didn't get far enough north to 
take off his straw hat. Don't you suppose I know ? Didn't 
I invent the North Pole? Wasn't 1 the man who copy- 
righted the idea of the five hundred thousand dollar expe- 
dition ? I, Query, the Polar Star, the Hero of the North, 
the Frosted Gingerbread, the Lemon Ice-Cream Soda? 
Gentlemen, it brings tears to my eyes when I think what I 
have done, trudging day by day through the ultramarine 
snow with the green sun shining on a limitless expanse of 
ice stretching like molten gold on every side. I, Query, the 
invincible ! the peerless ! the Arctic god ! 



14 THE ARCTIC ARCHlTECTi> 

Olm. Oh, yes ; wasn't you the feller that drove nails in 
the American flag, yes? 

Query. I spent seventeen days with the thermometer 
three hundred and twenty degrees below zero. 

Hencoop. Now, Cap'n, 1 reckon you'll spile the sale ob 
dat book. Gen'l'men, all the beautiful verbosity which Mr. 
Query has been elocutin* fo' yo* delectation can be found 
on page fo' twenty-fo' ob dat charming and instructive vol- 
ume entitled "Query's Dope," or ** How I Discovered the 
North Pole." Dis book {takes book from vtilise) maybe 
purchased at any or all booksellers for five dollars a copy, 
or fifty-five dollars a dozen. Commander Query's auto- 
graph and portrait in color in every copy ; also a portrait 
of Mr. Doormat Hencoop. — Dat's me. (Kindly remain 
seated, and avoid cheering.) Dis portrait is also colored. 
Order now, gen'l'men, as de fust edition is limited to five 
hundred thousand copies. 

Weis. (calling out). Captain, come throw these two 
book agents off. 

Query. No you don't, Mr. Weissenpimpfle. You can't 
get rid of me so soon. I am fully informed of your pirat- 
ical intention. You are going on an uncopyrighted cruise 
to the North Pole, — my pole, that I labored three hundred 
years to discover. You dare to start an expedition north, 
and I'll see the boat does not leave Sandy Hook. 

Olm. We'll leave the hook. They will need it for you. 

Query. You acknowledge to my face that you are 
going ? 

Weis. No, we ain't children. We got business to at- 
tend to. 

Hencoop (exafnining box of candy'). Look a yere, 
Cap'n. 

Query {going to box). Confectionery ! Gum drops ! 
I've proved it ! You are going ! You are going to the 
Pole! 

Olm. Cut it; everybody that needs a shave ain't hunt- 
ing a pole. 

Weis. Search the ship if you want to. {Calls off.) 
Captain ! {Enter Captain, l.) Show these gentlemens 
over the ship, and let them discover signs of a polar expedi- 
tion, if they can. 

Query. Discover ! Ah, that's the word that was in- 
vented for Query ! 



THE ARCTIC ARCHITECTS 1 5 

Captain ingoing toward l.). This way. 
Query. Stand aside. I want all the glory myself. Hen- 
coop, have you the dogs ? 
Hencoop. Yassir. 

( Takes three toy dogs oti wheels from valise. They have 
strings on them. Hands o?ie string to Captain, one to 
Query, and keeps one.) 

Query. Captain, to you belongs the honor of being the 
first Supporting Party. Follow me at a respectful distance 
so as not to fall over anything I am able to discover before 
I see it. 

(^Exit Query, l., dragging dog. Exit a moment later ^ 
Captain, l., dragging dog.) 

Hencoop {shouting). Forward, the second Supporting 
Pahty. This yere discovery will not be legal 'less it's in 
black and white. 

{Exit Hencoop, l., with dog.) 

Olm. Listen here, Weissen. The greatest drawbacks to 
Query's story is that he took that darkey with him. You 
know it no nigger could stand that much cold — what? 

Weis. Olmstein, I have an idea. 

Olm. Rub your ear, and it will go away. I had one 
once. 

Weis. Olmstein, let's go to the North Pole. 

Olm. Weissen, are you crazy? You think I got time to 
stand on the top of the Singer Building and shout, "Liar, 
liar, I have been to the North Pole " ? There ain't nodding 
to it. 

Weis. But, Olmy, there is money in it. 

Olm. Oh, money ? Money ? Maybe I didn't hear it 
vot you said at first. 

VVeis. Now, Olmy, listen to me, and get it through your 
wooden head. Query and Hook didn't ever discover the 
North Pole, verstehen sie. 'Cause why? 'Cause they would 
have discovered something more wonderful and enhancing 
than they did. Ven Abraham and Isaac and the Angel 
Gabriel and Roosevelt designed the earth, do you suppose they 
made the very top just like the rest ? Never ! Not on your 
tintype, Olmy, They put something fine and magnanimous 



l6 THE ARCTIC ARCHITECTS 

up there, and surrounded it mit ice and snow and cold, so 
that nobody couldn't get it already; and, Olmy, we are 
going to get it. 

Olm. Vot is it ? A gold mine ? 

VVeis. Now, Olmstein, I have a theory. You have a 
recollections in your head of reading in the History of the 
United States all about the Garden of Eden which Adam 
and Eve got thrown out of for poking the schnakes mit their 
umbrellas. Now, what became of the Garden of Eden? 
Did you ever see it ? No. For why ? Because, Olmy, it's 
at the North Pole. 

Olm. You're sick, Weissen. You got Thaw trouble. 
It's a brainstorm you got. 

VVeis. All what I say is true. 

Olm. Vy, you old pudding, it's too cold up there. You 
haven't had any experience with cold — except in an apart- 
ment house. But I tell you, Olmy, it is even colder than 
that already. 

Weis. That is where you are wrong. Sign-atists say 
that at the North Pole the only kind of wind that blows is 
the South Wind. Now listen. You have the South Wind 
blowing from every direction at once, and vot happens? 
They all meet with a crash at the top, and so much heat is 
generated that it is only possible for the sun to shine half 
the year, or else all the vegetation would be burned up, 
ain't it? 

Olm. Weissenpimpfle, you're a genius. Ain't it queer, 
now, I never thought of that. 

Weis. Oh, it is nutting. It is a mere truffle. 

Olm. Come to think of it, I think I remember reading 
about people that live there, Weissenpimpfle. They have a 
queen named ''Roaring Boring Alice," ain't it? 

Weis. Sure, I've heard of her. 

Olm. And it is a land flowing with milk and money, 
and all the day long they do nothing but play a game called 
North Polo, which consists in burying a brass tube in the 
ice, and telegraphing to your friends that you have did it. 
If they believe you, you win. 

Weis. That is an expensitive game. No? 

Olm. Yes, it takes a lot of brass to play it. 

Weis. Now, Olmy, that is what we will do. We will 
go up there and discover the North Pole. 

Olm. How are we going to do it ? 



THE ARCTIC ARCHITECTS 23 

{They move up toward the Pole, examining the ground 

minutely. ) 

(^Enter Query, r. i, dragging dog. Thermometer drops 
suddenly to one hiuidred below zero, with noise. ^ 

Query. What are you doing? 

Olm. Oh, Dutting. {Tur?is up coat collar.) It's a 
cold day for somebody, ain't it, VVeissen ? 

Query. I saw you examining the snow. 

Weis. Oh, Olmy lost a car ticket. 

Query. Expect me to believe that ? {Searches round 
on ground. Picks up pen?iy.) Ah! a Lincoln penny ; I'm 
on the scent. I'll take a sextant observation. 

{Takes opera-glass and draftsman's triangle, puts them 
together like a sextant, and begins to make observations.') 

Olm. Say, there, young fellow, that's the moon you're 
looking at. 

Query. It is not. I've been in this part of the world 
long enough to know the sun when I see it. 

Weis. What is your reading? What latitude do you 
make out we are in ? 

Query. Thirty-three degrees, seventeen minutes. Only 
fifty-seven degrees more to go, and then I shall be at the 
Pole. 

{Takes up instruments, and exit L., dragging dog.) 

Weis. I think he made a mistake. 

Olm. Sure. Nearly all these Arctic explorers does. 
Now, Weissen, on to the Pole ! 

{They start again for the Pole, examining the ground as 

they go.) 

{Enter Hencoop, r., following toy dog, which is pulled in 
by string running to base of Pole.) 

Hencoop. Lawdy. You gemmen think you got inside 
information ? 

Olm. Oh, no, we are just looking for arbutus. 

Hencoop. Well, I jes' tell you, I sure got the real thing 
now. I'se got a dog here. He is a coon dawg. Cap'n 
and I never seen no coon that could put him off the scent. 



24 THE ARCTIC ARCHITECTS 

Now, I jes' seen him a-smellin' round yere this mornin', an' 
I says, **I jes' nachually believe that canine has osculated 
the North Pole." So I lets him go first, an' I precedes 
him, an' he lands right here. 

Weis. The Pole ain't anywhere near here, young feller. 

Olm. Oh, no. I think if you'll look over there in that 
peach orchard, you may find it. 

Hencoop. I'se gwine to foller that dawg. 

^ ■ t Let's all follow him. 

{Dog on string moves toward Pole. All follow. Dog 

stops at Pole. ) 

Weis. Gentlemen, the North Pole. 

{Mercury rises above zero. Flag liftedfroin Pole by stringy 
lights out, spotlight on Pole. Tableau. Lights on agaifi.') 

{Enter Buster, l., with camera.) 

Buster. Hold that till I get your picture. Look pleas- 
ant, please. Thanks. Here I go to telegraph the great 
extra, *' North Pole Again Discovered ! " 

{Exit Buster, l.) 

Olm. Hencoop, did you ever see that before ? 

Hencoop. No, sah. I'se suttinly supprised. I alius 
supposed a Pole was a kind of dago. 

Weis. But, Olmy, vat I don't understand is, why was 
the American flag there, if we are the first persons to dis- 
cover the Pole ? 

Olm. Oh, that's just a little device of the stage manager 
to make a hit with the audience. 

{Enter Query, l. ) 

Weis. Hi, Query. Here's the North Pole. (Query 
looks up dazed.') Come and feel it. We don't mind, so 
long as you don't deface it. 

Query. That isnt the North Pole. 

Weis. It isn't ? What do you think it is ? A fire plug ? 

Query. Prove it's the Pole. 

Olm. Lend me your instruments. {Takes triangle from 
Query.) Ain't you learned it at school that the Pole is at 
latitude ninety degrees ? 



THE ARCTIC ARCHITECTS 2$ 

Query. Yes. 

Olm. And you know this angle is ninety degrees? 
Query. Yes. 

Olm. Then observe. {^Puts angle on floor against Pole. ^ 
Just fits. That proves that they are both ninety degrees. 

(Query staggers back into Hencoop' s arms. Mercury 
in thermo7neter falls with loud noise to 1 00 degrees below 
zero.) 

Query. Curse you ! I'll be even with you ! I'll dis- 
cover the South Pole ! I'll discover the Equator ! I'll dis- 
cover .* I'll discover so much the world will forget 

tliere ever were such persons as Olmstein and Weissen- 
pimpfle. 

(Exit Query, l.) 

{Enter Captain, r.) 

Captain. We have discovered Hook's tube. 

Hencoop. } ^°°^ ' 

Weis. Vat is it? Tooth-paste, or vaseline? 

{Enter Gibson, l.) 

Gibson. We have discovered Query's flag. 

Olm. Now we have all the data. We can prove every- 
thing. 

Weis. Now, I proposition we call this spot .* 

Olm. That suits me. 

Captain. If that's ,* I propose we call the place 

where Hook's tube was found .* 

Olm. That's a good one, because it was so far away. 
What a joke on poor old Hook. 

Weis. And what would you suggest calling the place 
where Query's flag was found ? 

Captain. Why, under the circumstances. Old Point 
Comfort. 

Olm. (/^Captain). Tell the others. {Exit -^.^ all but 
Olm. and Weis.) Now, Weissen, ain't you the A number 
one polar explorer ? Where is your Garden of Eden ? How 
are we going to get rich out of what is here? Are we going 

* Local names to be used here. 



26 THE ARCTIC ARCHITECTS 

to form the Olmstein and Weissenpirapfle Ice Company? 
Or are you thinking of building a Luna Park, and having a 
scenic railway on the ice, already? 

Weis. Think of the honor, Olmstein. Think of having 
your name embusted in the pages of history. 

Olm. I'd rather have it in the stock pages of the Stand- 
ard Oil. 

(^Commotion off stage, shouts, blowing of horns.) 

(^Enter every o?ie but Query, r. ) 

All. Hurrah for Olmstein and Weissenpimpfle ! 

(JMercury in thermometer rises to lOO above zero. Olm. 

and Weis. stand together before the Pole, a little above 

the others. Each raises his right hand as though asking 

for silence. Then they speak together, with precisely same 

gestures and tones.') 

Olm. I Ladies and dear sirs : Yours of even date received 

Weis. f and contents noted. We take pleasure in excom- 
municating mit you that we have to-day uncovered the only 
North Pole now in captivity. Choice lots are now on sale. 
Plans for summer cottages and hotels at reasonable rates. 
Buy now and your children will bless you. Location your- 
selves in Borealis Park, the only really cool summer resort. 
No mosquitoes. Address only Olmstein and Weissenpimp- 
fle, architects. North Pole, United States. Hoping you are 
the same, we remain, yours truly. 

Olm. (^pointing to himself ). Olmstein. 

Weis. (pointing to himself ). And Weissenpimpfle. 

(Olm. stefs doivn.) 

All. Hurrah for Olmstein and Weissenpimpfle. Speech! 

(Weis. quells tumult ivith upraised hand.) 

Weis. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the proudest mo- 
ment of my life. My colleague and beloved confederate, 
Mr. Olmstein and myself are the first people to witness the 
North Pole. Hundreds have tried before, but I recall that 
old proverb, — <* Many are cold, but few are frozen." Mr. 
Olmstein and myself beg to thank you for what we modestly 
describe as the greatest event in the world's history. {All 



THE ARCTIC ARCHITECTS 1 7 

Weis. Follow the South Wind, you ignorance. Don't 
I tell you the wind at the North Pole blows from the south 
because there ain't no other place for it to blow from? So 
you just wait a while for a south wind, go along with it until 
it stops, and there you are. 

Olm. Fine ! Just as easy ! 

Weis. And we will be the only architects in the place. 
We will nail our sign to the Pole, and be appointed a Build- 
ing Commission to erect the State Capitol already. 

Olm. And furnish it? 

Weis. And furnish it. I speak for the newspaper skin- 
dicate rights, Olmy. 

Olm. All right. I will take the moving picture con- 
cession — what ? Oh, Father Abraham ! Weissenpimpfle, 
we are millionaires ! 

{Enter Buster, l. i.) 

Buster. Mr. Olmstein ? 

Olm, That's me. 

Buster. Are you gentlemen grafters? 

vy^ ' |- No, we are architects. 

Buster. Same thing. 

W «? I (jP^^^^^i together with same gestures). Now 
3 listen to me, young man, we are scruperlious 
architects. We don't bribe politicians — that is, some poli- 
ticians. We do the very best work in the country — and the 
very best people. About our reputations there is not the 
shadow of a doubt. We only wish there vas. We chal- 
lenge the world to deny it this fiction. 

Buster. Say no more, gentlemen. You have vindi- 
cated yourselves. 

Olm. In return for your confidence in us, we wish to 
make you Special Correspondent on our expedition to the 
North Pole, which starts at once. 

Buster. Say, I'm on the job. You just watch me. 

{Exit, running, c.) 

{Enter Hencoop, l. i.) 

Hencoop. I heard what you said, boss. 
Olm. Why, here is the ace of spades. 



l8 THE ARCTIC ARCHITECTS 

Hencoop. I heard what you said about going to the 
Nuiih Pole. Now, iemme tell you, gen'lemen, you are ntver 
goiu' to find the North Pole. 1 know more about the Arctic 
Seas than any other man. 

Weis 1 ^^^^ ^^^^^ Query? 

Hencoop. Query? Huh! Why I put him in a ther- 
mos bottle, and dragged him the last hundred miles, and 
then I took him out, and say, " Here is de Pole, Boss," and 
he say, **That so," and become down here and swat to all 
dem geololosiful socities dat he had seen de Pole. And 
lawzee, I did laff, 'cause we didn't get to de Pole nohow. 

Weis. What did I tell it to you, Olmy? 

Hencoop. But, Mr. Omelet, you ain't goin' to get to de 
Pole. 'Cause why? It's too cold. It's so cold that your 
tongue would freeze to the top of your mouth. 

Olm. That didn't seem to prevent Query from talking 
when he got back. 

Hencoop. No, sir, that's very true, but then Boss Query 

is a very wonderful man. He can talk back worse than a 

prize-fighter. When some one says something to Boss Query, 

. he just up and call him a liar quick enough to take your 

bref away. Boss Query is a great explorer. 

Weis. Hencoop, me and Mr. Olmstein knows it where 
is the North Pole, and we're going to it. 

Hencoop. Right to de Pole ? 

WeTs I ^^^^^ ^° ^^^ ^°^^' 

Hencoop. Have you got your steam-lined shoes, and 
your Dr. Jaeger's triple extract of wool vests, and your ra- 
diation proof down-draft trousers, and your Stetson Arctic 
Special brown derby hat ? 

W i i ^^ ^^^^ ^^^^ ^^^ them. 

Hencoop. Then I, the great Hencoop (don't cheer) will 
go with you. 

Weis. All right, to get to the Pole we need it a good 
cook. 

(jEnfer Mrs. S., Mrs. W., /?/;^ Eugenie, l. 2.) 

Mrs. W. Gentlemen, this is Mrs. Spanker. 
Weis. What? 
Mrs. W. Spankher. 



THE ARCTIC ARCHITECTS I9 

Weis. Oh, all right. That's what most of these suf- 
fragettes needs. (^Goes toward Mrs. S.) 

Mrs. VV. Hector ! 

Weis. Huuh ? 

Mrs. W. What are you doing ? 

Weis. I haven't started yet. 

Mrs. W. Well, don't. Mrs. Spanker is going with us 
to Narragansett, where we are going to have a meeting on 
this yacht to forward the interest of "Votes for Women." 
Three thousand invitations shall be sent out to all the women 
in high society. 

Mrs. S. This is indeed a triumph. How many years 
have I longed for this recognition by society. Now at last 
I see my dream coming true. Women will go to the polls. 

[Fins badges o?i all the men with words *' Votes for 
Women " /;/ large letters.^ 

Olm. Not to the polls, — the Pole— the North Pole. 

{Takes off his badge and pins it on Hencoop.) 

Everybody. What ! 

Weis. That's right ! We are going to the North Pole. 

(Pins his badge on Hencoop.) 

Mrs. W. But ray dear ! I really don't see how I can 
spare the time to go. And I haven't a thing to wear — not a 
thing. 

Weis. (cheerfully^. Oh, well. Maybe you better not 
go. I guess 1 find an Esquimaux lady to darn my socks, 
ain't it? Good-bye, Helen Augusta. (Shakes her hand. ^ 
Take care of yourself. We'll bring the Pole back for you, 
won't we, Olmy ? 

Mrs. W. No, on second thoughts I shall give the first 
bridge party ever held within the Arctic circle. I'm going 
with you. 

Weis. (dismally). All right, Helen Augusta. (Calls 
off.) Captain! (Enter Captain, l. i.) Captain, cast 
off; we are going to the Pole. 

(Enter Query, l. i.) 

Query. The Pole? You're going to the Pole ! Four 
Flusher ! Poacher ! You're handing the public a gold 



20 THE ARCTIC ARCHITECTS 

brick. You can't get to the Pole. It is mine ! I want to 
discover it alone. I am going to take Dockstader's Min- 
strels with me, and be the only white man to reach the Pole. 
If you go to Greenland in this ship, I'll tell the Dreary 
Arctic Club, and they won't believe a word you say. 
Weis. Put him out. 

(^Enter Buster, c, running.') 

Buster (^giving newspaper to Weis.). Here it is. 

(^Exit, c.) 

Weis. (reading). The New York "Vacuum." Two- 
thirty extra. *• Olmstein and Weissenpimpfle start for the 
North Pole." Hi ! Olmy, we're famous already. 

(^Reenter Buster, c, wiih another paper, which he gives to 

Olm. and exit. ) 

Olm. (reading). Two thirty-five extra. "Olmstein and 
Weissenpimpfle buffet the Arctic seas." 

(Reenter Buster, with third paper.) 

Buster. Sporting edition. Final scores of all the games ! 

(Gives paper to Weis. and rushes out c.) 

Weis. (reading). Two-forty extra. "Olmstein and 
Weissenpimpfle pass the eighty-seventh parallel. Ther- 
mometer three hundred and twenty degrees below zero. 
Cold wave predicted." 

Olm. Look here, we got to start. These extras is beat- 
ing us to a frazzle. Captain, full speed ahead. 

Captain (calling off c). Full speed ahead. 

(Commotion and noise off stage. Bells and whistles.) 

(Reenter Buster, with newspaper.) 

Buster. Extra ! Extra ! 

Olm. Take that away. It may say we've discovered the 
Pole. And we want all the glory ourselves. 

Weis. And all the money, Olmy. Don't forget the 
money ! 

(Loud whistle heard off.) 



THE ARCTIC ARCHITECTS 21 

Olm. We're off! We're off ! Good-bye, everybody ! 

(^Waves his hand to audience.) 

Weis. We're off, already — to the North Pole ! Good- 
bye, everybody. So long. Veil, take care of yourselves. 
{Takes out and waves enormous bandaima, iedfiing for- 
ward and wavi?ig to r. and then gradually more and more 
to L.) Good-bye, folks, good-bye ! 

{All lean forward and wave handkerchiefs, etc., first 
toward R., then gradually more and more toward l., as 
though from a moving boat to friends on the pier, ^ 

All. Good-bye ! To the North Pole ! We're off ! 
Good-bye ! 



CURTAIN 



ACT II 

SCENE. — At the North Pole. Almost any simple outdoor 
drop will serve, though ofie showing ice-fields will be 
most effective. Icebergs and snoiv up r. and l. Wings 
also shoiv ice and rocks. In any case the Pole should be 
up c. {against drop if desired), its base surrounded by 
cakes of real or imitation ice, snow (cotton), etc. The 
Pole may be a column of graceful shape, pai?ited white. 
On the front of the base is a large sign ^^ Marked down. 
Now SigS.'^ A string throiigh pulley at base of Pole 
to pull on dog, as directed. At rise, Pole draped with 
American flag, which is arratiged to be lifted when di- 
rected. Down L. is card or board five feet high, one 
foot wide, painted white and tnarked like a thermometer 
(see Properties). 

(Olm. a?td Weis, discovered, r.) 

Weis. Now, 01 my, we are somewhere near the Pole. 
That idea of yours to come up here in taxicabs was a good 
one. The idea of making a long journey in sleds pulled by 
dogs in this age of modern improvements is ridiculous. 
What? 

Olm. Weissenpimpfle, that's true. And how simple it 
was to bring along one of those machines for melting asphalt 
on the streets, and using it to melt the ice. 

Weis. Just as easy. 

Olm. Did you notice how warm it is ? 

Weis. Vy, yes. (Looks at big thermometer. Mercury 
stands at thirty below zero.) Why, it's only thirty degrees 
below. It was a hundred yesterday. 

Olm. (takifig out palm leaf fan). My, how warm ! 

Weis. My, how I hate August ! I don't mind the heat 
so much. It's these sudden changes. 

(Mercury shoots up to ten above zero.) 

Olm. I thinks it's the South Wind. 

Weis. (wetting finger, and holding it up), Olmy, it is. 
We are on the right track. If we follow the South Wind 
we discover the North Pole, yes. 
22 



THE ARCTIC ARCHITECTS 27 

cheer.') My children will say, '* Fadder did that." My 
grandchildren will say, '* Grandfadder did that." My 
great-grandchildren will say, ''Great-grand 

Olm. Weissen, put in a stop order for that. 

Weis. My great-grandchildren will say 



{They pull him down.) 

Olm. Now what kind of a speech is that? Don't you 
know better than to talk like that ? '* My fadder did that ? " 
•♦ My grandfadder did that? " Why, people will think you 
are crazy. If you can't do better than that, you can't write 
our b6ok, "The Frozen North," or "How We Copped the 
Ninetieth Parallel." 

Mrs. W. Oh, dear, oh, dear, let's not quarrel over it. 
Lovely weather we're having, isn't it? But so frightfully 
warm ! 

Mrs. S. Oh, it isn't the heat I mind so much. It's the 
humidity. Forward to the polls ! 

{Rushes to Pole, and pins on it placard readifig ^^ Votes 

for lVome7i.") 

Buster. As a special correspondent to the New York 
"Vacuum," I claim all rights to the preliminary story. 
• Weis. All right, you can write it, and sign it, " Olmstein 
and Weissenpimpfle, the Arctic Architects." 

Olm. Come on out, people. It is on us. Ve vill treat 
everybody. Expense is no object. Ve vill all go and get 
an ice-cream cone. 

(£xit all but Buster. Olm. and Weis. exeunt r. All 

others l.) 

Buster. Well, I have it all written. This certainly will 
make a noise on Broadway. {Enter Eugenie, l.) Well 
little Bright Eyes, what do you want? 

Eugenie. I forgot something. 

Buster. Well, find it quick, and evaporate. I'm very 
busy. 

Eugenie. I didn't lose anything. I forgot to tell you 
my name. 

Buster. I can guess it right away. It's Claribel. Now 
run away. 

Eugenie. No, it isn't Claribel, it's Eugenie. (Buster 



28 THE ARCTIC ARCHITECTS 

goes 071 reading his story, ?Hakifig occasional corrections 
with a pencil.^ But you are not listening. (Buster -^^fif/j- 
on reading. Eugenie stands behind him and pulls out hairs 
fro?n his fur cap one by oneS) He loves me, he loves me 
not. 

Buster {turning to her'). Will you please be quiet ? 

Eugenie. Why, I was just as still as a little mouse. I 
was only seeing if you loved me. 

Buster. Well, I'm the headquarters for all information 
of that sort. 

Eugenie (sitting on his knee) . Well, do you ? 

Buster. Get up. That's no place for you. 

Eugenie. Why? 

Buster. Do you think that's nice? (Eugenie nods her 
head.) Well, do you think it's proper? 

Eugenie. Most newspaper reporters think it is. 

Buster. But I'm a journalist. 

Eugenie. What's a journalist ? 

Buster. A journalist, my dear, is a man who invents 
news, and makes the people believe it is true. A reporter 
tells the truth ; a journalist uses his own judgment. He is 
the noblest work of God, because he stands boldly on his 
own feet. 

Eugenie. Is that the reason one can't sit on his lap? 

Buster. Let me read you the beginning of the most 
wonderful newspaper story ever written. {Reads.) " After 
three hundred years of heart wrenching search for the coy 
and cold North Pole, that ultimate externity of this mun- 
dane sphere has at last been achieved and surveyed by the 
optics of those intrepid and all-conquering Arctic explorers, 
Olmstein and Weissenpimpfle. " What do you think of that 
for an opening sentence ? Won't that bust 'em wide open ? 

Eugenie {sitting on his knee). It's very beautiful. 

{Strokes his hair.) 

Buster. That's what I think. 

Eugenie {still stroking his hair). Mother has a rag 
carpet just the same shade. 

Buster. As what ? 

Eugenie. As your hair. Weren't we talking about that? 

Buster. No, we weren't. Now pay attention to this. 
*'For countless and countless ages of time " Don't 



THE ARCTIC ARCHITECTS 29 

blow down the back of my neck. Do you think you are a 
vacuum cleaning system ? 

Eugenie. I just wanted to know whether you minded. 

Buster. Well, I do. Just remember the privilege of 
that seat is revocable, and the management reserves the 
right to eject its occupant at any time. 

Eugenie. Dear me, I don't like you ; you talk like the 
back of a railroad ticket. If you say anything like that 
again, I'll get off your knee. 

Buster. You will, eh ? 

Eugenie. And sit right down on the other one. 

Buster. You have such a sweet disposition. 

Eugenie. Yes, mother always said my fatal bashfulness 
was a great drawback. 

Buster. You're a very good-looking baby. 

Eugenie. Oh, dear ! Aren't we getting on? 

Buster. Does your mother allow you to go to supper in 
the evening with a man ? 

Eugenie. Well, since the sun shines all night here, she 
won't mind. 

Buster. Well, then, come along. 

(^Enter Olm., r.) 

Olm. Say, hired girl 

Eugenie. My name's Eugenie. 

Olm. Yousheeny, eh ? Veil, Yousheeny, tell Mrs. Weis- 
senpimpfle I want to see her right away quick. 

Eugenie. Yes, sir, I'll take you right to her, sir. {To 
Buster.) I'll meet you in a minute. 

Buster. Now to get this on the wire. 

(^;i?// Buster, r. Exeunt Olm. and Eugenie, l. i.) 

{Enter Query, Captain, Mrs. S. and Sailor, l. 2.) 

Query. Hist ! Are we alone? 

( Others look about under pieces of snoiv, under coats, into 
audience, etc., ivhile Query goes up close to the back 
drop, and looks straight into it with his opera-glasses. 
Red light on scene.) 

Captain. We are alone. 

Query. Have you all your weapons ? 

All {in a hoarse ivhisper'). Yes. 



30 THE ARCTIC ARCHITECTS 

Query. And are you all prepared to sacrifice your lives 
for the bake of justice, equity and truth ? 

All. We are. 

Query. Then there will be bold deeds to-night. See 
yonder Pole? Is there any one among you whose heart 
shrinks from wrenching it free from its foundation, and 
carrying it off from the hated Olmstein and Weissenpimpfle ? 

All. No. 

Mrs. S. They are the oppressors of women. I vote 
(oh, proud word) to steal it from them. Only it must be 
done in a ladylike manner. 

Captain. If any man of them raises his hand against us, 
he dies in his tracks. 

Mrs. S. I have some acid to throw at them. It is so 
refined, and very effective. (^Shows large bottle.) 

{Exit Sailor, r. 2, with datice step.) 

Captain. Lead on. Commander. We follow you to 
the last ditch. 

Query. Hist ! We must be disguised. We had all 
better go as members of the Salvation Army. That will put 
them entirely off their guard, as they would never think of 
seeing the Salvation Army up here. 

{Enter Sailor, r. 2, with bass drum, tambourine, and Sal- 
vation Army caps and bonnet. Query ajid Captain put 
on Salvation Army caps. Mrs. S. puts on bonnet, and 
takes tambourine. Captain takes bass drum.) 

Sailor. What am I ? 

Query. You had better be an Esquimaux dog. (Sailor 
begins to bark.) Hist ! Is everything ready ? {Enter 
Hencoop, l. i, unobserved.) Now, then, I am to steal the 
Pole. And remember, we can put it anywhere we want to, 
and discover it for ourselves. 

{They march arotmd the stage, beating drum and tam- 
bourine.) 

Captain. Mr. Query, I say in order to deceive them we 
should pretend to go in another direction first, and then 
return. 

Query. Good ! This way. 



THE ARCTIC ARCHITECTS 3 1 

(^Exeu7it, L. 2, beating drum and tambourine.^ 

Hencoop. Hi ! Captain Omelet. {Enter Olm., l. i, 
followed by Mrs. W., Gibson, aiid Eugenie.) Captain, 
they are going to steal the Pole, and take it off in a corner, 
and discover it again. 

Olm. That Pole has been discovered too much. They'll 
wear the paint off of it. ( Calls off r.) Weissenpimpfle ! 
. VVeis. {running ift out of breath). What it is ? Break 
it to me gently, all at once. 

Hencoop. They are going to steal the Pole. What are 
w^e going to do ? 

VVets. Oh, we'll just let them get it, and go after them 
and take it from them. Notify the reporters, somebody. 
{They hide R. Enter l. i, Query, Captain, Mrs. S., 
arid Sailor. They march to the Pole, and Query pulls it 
down from its pedestal. Itnmediately small boxes, brick- 
shaped, a?id gilded, are thrown out rapidly, one after the 
other, through hole in top of pedestal. This is done by 
some one behind drop or concealed in pedestal. Weis. 
rushes in from r., followed by Olm., Eugenie, Hencoop, 
and Mrs. W.) Vat did 1 tell you, Olmy? It is a gold 
mine already ! 

{Every one scrafjtbles for the boxes, and as they are picked 
tip they are all piled in Weis.'s arms. He drops them, 
and he and Olm. dive for them.') 

Query. What did I tell you ? Gold bricks ! Fraud ! 
Liars ! Undesirable citizens ! Fakirs ! Oh, won't I ex- 
pose you when I get on the lecture platform ? Gold bricks ! 

{He rushes out l. i, carrying Pole with him, and followed 
by Captain and Sailor.) 

Mrs. S. {shouting). Where the polls go, I follow. Votes 
for women ! {Runs out l. i.) 

Olm. {run7iing totvard \.. i). Stop him! He has it the 
Pole ! 

Weis. Let him go, Olmy. Let him go. Competition 
is the life of trade — what? He is our best advertisement, 
ain't it? My, my, just think of the lots of lots he will sell 
for us, Olmy ! 

Olm. Yes. And we don't pay him no commissions. 

Weis. We'll let him be our real escape agent. Oh, I'm 



32 



THE ARCTIC ARCHITECTS 



SO excited. I must do something devilish. I love the 
Jews, but oh, Yousheeny. 

(^Embraces Eugenie. Mrs. W. fai?its.) 

Mrs. W. {revivmg). No explanations, Mr. VVeissen- 
pimpfle. You can make those in the divorce court. 

Olm. Oh, Mrs. Weissenpimpfle, you don't mean it. 

Mrs. W. I do. 

Weis. Shut up, Olmstein. 

Olm. Mrs. Weissenpimpfle, you are hasty ; you haven't 
given it thought. I am sure he didn't mean any harm. 
Think what a kind, what a beautiful husband he has been. 
Oh, think how your slightest wish has been law. Don't 
throw him over this way; don't wreck his young life. Oh, 
it is sad, sad ! 

Weis. Shut up, Olmstein, you'll spoil it all. 

Mrs. W. Perhaps I was hasty. 

Weis. Now see what you did, you onion face. 

Mrs. W. Come to my arms. Hector. I forgive you. 

Weis. {talking to Olm., and not looking where he is 
going). Onion face, pickle mouth. 

{Embraces Eugenie instead of 'M.^s. W.) 

Mrs. W. Monster ! My lawyer will see you the instant 
we reach New York. {To Eugenie.) As for you — hussy, 
I 

Eugenie. Oh, don't mind about me. I have another 
place. 

{Looks off R., whistles and beckons^ thefi reaches out R. and 
makes a motion as though catching something in her fin- 
ger-tips and drazvifig it toward her.) 

{Enter Buster, r., runjtifig, and rushes up to Eugenie.) 

Buster. What is it? What's the game? 
Eugenie. Pussy wants a corner. You're it ! 

{Tags him and runs out r.^ followed by Buster.) 

Olm. {up I., c). Weissen, I'm sorry I tried to fix it up. 

Weis. {up r. c). Ain't it awful, Olmy? 

Olm. Oh, it's terrible. 

Weis. She was such a good wife — occasionally. 

Olm. Yes. Poor Weissenpimpfle ! Poor Hector ! 



THE ARCTIC ARCHITECTS 33 

VVeis. Don't you feel like crying, Olmy? 

Olm. Yes, it's so pathetic. 

VVeis. Olmstein ! 

Olm. Yes. 

Weis. It's up to you. 

Olm. Vot ? 

Weis. Vy, when the wife of a partner dies, or commits it 
divorce, the surviving partner, if he is unmarried, has it to 

— has to make good. 

Olm. Has to vot? 

Weis. Veil, the lady has to have a husband, don't it? 

Olm. Yes. 

Weis. Veil, then, who's to attend to it but you? 

Olm. Vot ? Do 1 have to ask her ? 

Weis. Yes, now. 

Olm. All right. Stand by me, Weissen. (^To Mrs. W.) 

Honored madam, I — I 

Weis. Deeply implore 

Olm. Deeply ignore 



Weis. Your attention 
Olm. Your intention - 



Weis. Vile I ask it a question. 

Olm. Vile I ask you an answer. 

We^s. Go on. You're doing fine, Olmy. 

Olm. You are the most beautiful woman I have seen. 
When I look into your limpid blue eyes, a lump jumps into 
my throat, and I say, " Olmstein, that's a stunner." 

Weis, Come to the point, or you'll forget what you are 
here for. 

Olm. Mrs. Weissenpimpfle, I am on the job. As soon 
as Mr. Weissenpimpfle's lease is up, will you marry me? 

Mrs. W. Oh, you sweet little thing ! 

(Olm. embraces her.') 

Olm. Oh, yes, I'm the grass widow's mite. 

Weis. Mrs. Weissenpimpfle, I am ashamed of you. 
Don't you see everybody in the audience is looking at you? 
Come avay. 

Olm. Weissen, congratulate me. 

Weis. I congratulate you. Now you are a millionaire 
by marriage. 

Olm. Yes, and you are a millionaire once removed. 
Poor old Weissen, lost tlie goose mit the golden eggs. 



34 



THE ARCTIC ARCHITECTS 



Weis. Never mind it. I got it somethings better. 

Olm. Better? Votitis? 

Weis. Vy, Olmstein, I am on the verge of being the 
greatest millionaire in the world. Listen, everybody. (^Beck- 
ons R. andiu. Enter Query, Mrs. S., and all the others.") I 
am going to establish the North Pole Correspondence School. 
Arctic exploring taught by mail. Three lessons for a hun- 
dred dollars. Get the idea, Olmstein ? 

Olm. Get it? Sure 1 get it. " Why swelter in a stuffy 
office, when you can earn thirty dollars a week discovering 
the North Pole." Oh, Weissen, we will be rich. 

Weis. We? We? You take your second-hand wife 
and beat it. I am the North Pole Correspondence School, 
Limited. 

Olm. Weissen, don't you have to have postage stamps 
for a Correspondence School ? 

Weis. Sure. 

Olm. Well, the lady's money will be handy to buy the 
stamps. 

Weis. That's so, Olmstein. We will not dissolution 
partnership. You and me and Mrs. Weissen pimpfie — I 
mean Mrs. Olmstein — we was all boys together, ain't it? 

Olm. Sure it is. 

Weis. Veil, and we have gone through awful publicity 
and everything together to find this North Pole. Let's stick 
together, Olmy. 

Olm. All right, Weissen. 

Query. Am I in on this? 

Olm. Sure he is. Ain't he, Weissen ? I guess there's 
enough North Poles to go around — vot? Say, Weissen, 
now we found the Pole let's make a lot more just like it and 
put them all over the United States. Every town that has 
a soldier's monument will want one. 

Weis. Sure. And then nobody won't have no more 
trouble finding the North Pole when they want it. And by 
the bottom of each one we will write it — ^'Elected by Olm- 
stein and Weissenpimpfie, Arctic Architects." 



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